If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*launders Kohls cash*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this