Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
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AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*