The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.