Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.