Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no