I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this