Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
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ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.