daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.