This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.