date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things