“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.