The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Worth remembering.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.