BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
You Might Also Like
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I don’t make the rules sorry
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long