My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire