My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Not today.. 😂
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks