If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
When you’ve simply given up.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.