2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Hotels are back
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!