Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”