Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*