Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
me working on my assignments ^-^
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.