Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

😩😩😩

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

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PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle