“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops