I would guard your potatoes so hard.
You Might Also Like
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁