If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.