My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Um … Hot Wings please
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.