Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!