Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
These 3D printers are insane!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.