From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.