*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
concern
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision