I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
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My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
selena gomez
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable