My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”