Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
You Might Also Like
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders