Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
❤️🦆
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.