My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.