What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
…..pretty much.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
This can never not be funny 😭😭
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.