The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!