Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you