When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*puts my mental health in rice
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.