At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Finally! 😈
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.