[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me: this math stuff isn鈥檛 gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I don鈥檛 have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
account balance: $1400
me at wendy鈥檚: show me the square cows
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: We鈥檙e only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 馃拃
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.