My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.