Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
is this meant to deter me
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Werent we promised soylent green by now?