HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
You Might Also Like
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Finally! 😈
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Happy Febuary everyone!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI