#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.