British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.