My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.