Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Cats are still liquid.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet