You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations