I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
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If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him