*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
man i love columbo
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.